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quick joke
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Rejestracja: 21-03-2008 15:48 
Skąd: manchester
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A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them, 'demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farmhand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to....the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer. A panda enters a nice Chinese restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo. The waiter gives it to the panda, and watches the panda eat all of it. Then the panda whips out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. The chef in the kitchen runs out but the panda has already left the restaurant. The angry chef finally catches up to the panda and asks the panda, "Why did you just shoot my waiter?". The panda looks very surprised and asks, "What was so unusual about that?". The indigdant chef replies, "You just can't go around shooting my waiter like that and then leave!". The panda whips out a dictionary and reads out loud the following entry: "Panda: A mammal indigenous to China. Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves. |
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-- Mr Perfect 10-07-2008, 22:00 | Link | Cytuj |
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Rejestracja: 21-03-2008 15:48
Skąd: manchester
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This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..... -------------- Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain your obedient servant? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr xxx I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC xx Community Beat Officer --------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear PC xx First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on xx. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department wit whom I am also in contact !!! 
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-- Mr Perfect 21-07-2008, 00:20 | Link | Cytuj |
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Rejestracja: 28-10-2008 21:08 
Skąd: Blackpool
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How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!! |
| 13-11-2008, 22:52 | Link | Cytuj | |
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Rejestracja: 08-10-2008 00:35 
Skąd: London
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Dear All, Due to the current financial crisis facing the world at the moment, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off to save on electricity costs, until further notice. Sincerely, The God 
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| 09-12-2008, 00:35 | Link | Cytuj | |
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Rejestracja: 30-06-2008 14:37 
Skąd: uk
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fuckin borin all of u.. |
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-- Kluseczek...:) 09-12-2008, 22:48 | Link | Cytuj |
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Rejestracja: 08-10-2008 00:35
Skąd: London
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Thank you for your words of wisdom babe Did you let your arse hair grow too long? 
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| 09-12-2008, 23:17 | Link | Cytuj | |
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Rejestracja: 31-08-2008 23:48 
Skąd: Wschodni Londyn
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Quick joke przestaje byc quick joke jezeli zajmuje wiecej niz jedna linijke a kain zabil Abla bo mu stare kawaly opowiadal Ziewwwwwwwwwwww |
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-- Nie moge Tickera zlinkowac buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu 10-12-2008, 01:00 | Link | Cytuj |
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Rejestracja: 08-10-2008 00:35
Skąd: London
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last time you had oral sex a dog's tongue rotted off |
| 10-12-2008, 11:09 | Link | Cytuj | |
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Rejestracja: 02-11-2008 15:34 
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Dear All, Due to the current financial crisis facing the world at the moment, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off to save on electricity costs, until further notice. Sincerely, The God Merry Xmas 
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| 19-12-2008, 10:52 | Link | Cytuj | |
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Rejestracja: 28-10-2008 21:08
Skąd: Blackpool
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just read the comments  http://www.sledgehammertotheface.com/200…d-by-escalator/ |
| 18-01-2009, 02:10 | Link | Cytuj |
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